Oct 18 2007
God is Good at the Church of Google
Via EnoNomi I found evidence for the existence of God. Her name is Google and She is worshiped through the Church of Google. So we find Christianity is expired, and Atheism is tired, but Googlism is wired.
We reject supernatural gods on the notion they are not scientifically provable. Thus, Googlists believe Google should rightfully be given the title of “God”, as She exhibits a great many of the characteristics traditionally associated with such Deities in a scientifically provable manner.
There are 9 proofs that Google is God of which the following 3 are my favorite:
» PROOF #3
Google answers prayers. One can pray to Google by doing a search for whatever question or problem is plaguing them. As an example, you can quickly find information on alternative cancer treatments, ways to improve your health, new and innovative medical discoveries and generally anything that resembles a typical prayer. Ask Google and She will show you the way, but showing you is all She can do, for you must help yourself from that point on.
» PROOF #6
Google remembers all. Google caches WebPages regularly and stores them on its massive servers. In fact, by uploading your thoughts and opinions to the internet, you will forever live on in Google’s cache, even after you die, in a sort of “Google Afterlife”.
» PROOF #8
According to Google trends, the term “Google” is searched for more than the terms “God”, “Jesus”, “Allah”, “Buddha”, “Christianity”, “Islam”, “Buddhism” and “Judaism” combined.
There are also 10 commandments, yet I cannot find them as persuasive as the Christian ones (persuasive translates here as guilt and fear inflicting). You truly need the threat of eternal burning in hell to invoke attention (if not respect) to the Christian doctrine. But what’s the worst that can happen if you do not follow The Church of Google’s commandment # 6–Thou shalt not misspell whilst praying to me?
What happens is that in Her vast kindness, Google will guesstimate correct spelling for you. Which probably makes Google more magnanimous than the Christian god, but so much less threatening. What’s the use of a church if it can’t inflict or promote ideas of pain and suffering, hell, guilt, and punishment?
TechTags Plugin [ religion | atheist | atheism | agnostic | hell | commandments | googlism ]
2 responses so far
Our benevolent Goddess does have a way of inflicting pain, suffering, hell, guilt and punishment - it’s called bad rankings in the algorithm. It’s not spoken of much, but it terrifies enough for most webmasters; there is forgiveness though, in time. It’s not forever. You can return to Her magnificent embrace and she will make you know how lost you were in your ways, by granting her infinite amount of visitors to you.
WTFC, you are right. I guess the Church of Google is indeed a true church, including the pain and suffering of hell. Also, the goddess is so goddamn hard to understand sometimes and other times she makes no sense at all, which is yet another proof that the Church of Google must be true.